I received a FB message from a lady in distress. Her partner had just moved out of home and gone to live in an Air BNB because his cocaine addiction had become evidently clear and it was now majorly affecting the relationship and upbringing of their son. At this stage they didn't have a plan in place, they both just knew he couldn't be at home with the addiction.
Rewind twelve months....
He owned a successful company, they were doing well financially, however their relationship had struggled for many years. The more the relationship struggled, the more he poured himself into his work, and the more he poured himself into his work the more stress he began to feel. At first he would escape with alcohol which then caused additional conflict within the relationship, and so then he sought a means of easing the stress that was hard to detect - cocaine.
His company was going through a major re-structure and his second in command was feeling the pressure. Within a few months the intensity and stress became too much to handle and his "2ic" had a mental breakdown that resulted in him taking a sabbatical. This meant that the workload of his "2ic" had to be redistributed somehow, ideally amongst the team,
The business owner - let's call him Lewis for the sake of this article - was a strong, independent, driven man, and it was these traits that helped him create a successful business. His strengths were evident, however his weaknesses were about to come to the surface. He struggled to be vulnerable or ask for help because he felt as if it would be a sign of weakness, and so when his "2ic" took his sabbatical, Lewis decided to take all of the work on himself.
His home life had become painful and now his work had become painful, and this is when the cocaine addiction started to take over his life. He would use cocaine every day, multiple times a day, as if he was drinking a coffee - plus he would have actual coffee on top. He became manic, a sure sign that lying beneath was a reality he didn't want to face.
When I listened to the voice-note his wife had sent me through FB messenger, I went through my "forensic psychology" process and started to put the pieces of the puzzle together until I was clear on the mechanics of what was happening and how it was happening. In the images below I will explain the mechanics of his pattern so we can see what was happening. If you do not understand the diagrams please go through my free online course called Discover Your Authentic Self.
We will go through in reverse chronological order.
1. He obviously had an attachment to cocaine because it was meeting his needs. He choose cocaine over other things because he was able to hide it well and still function. This was the symptom, not the cause. Remember, all attachments come with resentments, so his attachment to cocaine was driven by an unconscious resentment towards stress. It was there to counterbalance and soothe his stress.
2. He also had an attachment to work because it was meeting all of his needs and taking him away from another resentment, his relationship. Again, his painful relationship was a symptom and not a cause.
3. When asking why his relationship had become a source of pain he said that he always felt judged or criticised, and then instead of going into conflict he would avoid conflict by lying and just avoiding the relationship in general but specifically through work. This is Vector 5 in action, fear of conflict.
4. Fear only exists based on a deeper layer of shame, and shame is the bottom of the barrel. He didn't feel authentic enough to communicate openly and honestly, and his partners criticisms were taken to heart because he wasn't connected to his Authentic Self. His shame is what drove him to become so successful, because he overcompensated the shame by succeeded and gaining a sense of validation and pride. But this wasn't real self worth, it was a mask, and it was this mask, or this personality he had created that was lying at the centre of his inauthenticity and problems.
This was the root cause of his problems, but he wasn't born with shame, it was something he had learned. When I went even deeper into the forensic psychology process we uncovered some major events from his past that provided the evidence for his deeply unconscious shame. Including an event where he was bullied at school in front of a group of people.
By shinning light on his patterns, it was clear to see where the addiction had actually stemmed from. It wasn't just a means of getting through a hard days work. It wasn't due to his relationship lacking love, connection and communication. Now those things absolutely and undeniably played a role, however the root cause was a deep feeling of shame which had driven him to wear a mask and create a false personality in order to cover up his shame and meet his needs. He lacked Authenticity.
After going through many processes with myself and other facilitators, he was able to face his shame and cry out a lot of the pain he wasn't able to process as a younger child. The more buried emotions that came up, and the more he processed, the more comfortable he became within himself, and the more that happened the more Authentic he was able to be. When we take off our mask, we leave behind all of the problems that come with it.
"When we take off our mask, we leave behind all of the problems that come with it"
At the core of it all, abusing a substance or an activity is simply a mask for suppressed emotion. Whether that is an addiction to food, alcohol, sex, gambling or even an addiction to the gym or going to work. All of it stems from unresolved emotions. If we ever try to quit one addiction, we will only ever find something else to fill the void UNLESS we deal with the emotion that is trapped within the nervous system.
There are no quick fixes in life, it takes effort to really create a transformation. Whether that is to overcome an addiction, or move passed a fear to evolve into the next version of ourselves, it's going to take work. The way out of an addiction is through it. - by facing the emotional attachments and resentments we have that are keeping our life playing out like a giant habit. The way forwards is inwards.
Live Inspired,
John
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