External validation will stop a person from being authentic, stop them from being fulfilled, and stop them from living a life that inspires them? So why do we do it? I say "we" because we all do it to some degree as it is a basic human need to feel like we matter. If we don't feel like we matter, our life can become pointless: we will put our own needs second to others and when taken to the extreme people will even end their own lives because they feel like they are irrelevant and the world wouldn't even miss them if they were gone.
The need to feel valid, to feel like you matter, to feel some kind of specialness or importance about yourself is normal. However, like all things, it can be taken to the extreme which then begins to create problematic and unfulfilling patterns within a persons life. Remember, we all have needs which are felt as emotional pain, however the degree to which we feel the pain, and the method we utilise to remedy the pain are what separates each of us and controls our pathway forward in life.
First off, the reason why we need to feel valid is because it helps to gives our life meaning. Validation is the feedback we get from the environment, the outside world or society that we are providing something to the world. For example, when we help someone, we validate the necessity of our existence. This is really a key part of finding our place in the world, finding a place where we offer value to others which then - through a feedback loop of validation - affirms to us that we matter, our lives matter, and we're contributing to others in some way.
The feeling of validation is a feedback loop for us to know we matter, and for us to matter we must be doing something beneficial for others. However, because the feeling of validation "feels good" and releases dopamine and serotonin into the system, it can then become something we seek - just like an addiction -when we're not feeling good or positive. This is then when external validation becomes a vice that we seek instead of a byproduct of providing value, and this is when we deviate from our authentic path, and start chasing something to top up those feel good feelings.
Nobody can escape negative emotions, they're part of being a human, and so we all create different strategies within our lives to help us feel positive feelings. The strategies we implement are really what shape the destiny of our lives. For example, some people choose to smoke cigarettes to gain a sense of relief or certainty within their lives, and others choose to pray or practice deep breathing exercises. Whether a person smokes or prays, they are both fundamentally doing the same thing, avoiding pain or discomfort, but of course each strategy will lead to a very different life.
When it comes to validation, there are also different ways in which we can attain it. For some people it could be through building their physique, being rich, getting tattoos or piercings, and for others it could be volunteering at a local charity. All very different strategies, all very different lives, neither better nor worse than the other. Some people may think that volunteering at a local charity is better, others might think that getting tattoos are better, but really neither is better nor worse because both are driven by an emotional void and then the desire to fill that void and meet that need. It's not what we do that makes it disempowering or empowering, it's why we do it that matters.
If we are seeking validation because inside we don't feel worthy then we're going to find ourselves on an endless hamster wheel, chasing something outside of ourselves on a quest to fulfil something inside of ourselves. Like trying to reach the horizon by running towards it - we just keep spending our time and energy on a never ending, unfulfilling chase. If however we receive validation as a form of feedback from doing something that inspires us, we've then changed the entire paradigm of what it means to feel validated.
Any good business owner knows that it's best to validate their idea before they bring it to the market. Validation in this case provides a feedback loop to know whether the business is needed in the marketplace or not and whether it will help other people or not - this of course is a healthy thing to do. The business doesn't need validation to justify it's identity, it needs validation to justify it's utility. If we need to feel validated to justify our identity, we're looking for something outside of ourselves to essentially validate our level of worthiness. If instead we were to look for validation outside of ourselves to validate our utility, not identity, we would find ourselves more inspired to help others and live with meaning and purpose.
This means we can either chase validation because it makes us feel better about ourselves and affirms our identity and self worth, or we can receive validation as confirmation that we are providing meaning to others, and this is really what our purpose is, to serve others. Validation then becomes a byproduct of our utility and our purpose, and not an addictive pleasure that we endlessly seek.
So how do we transition away from seeking validation to affirm our self worth, towards receiving validation as a means of our utility and service to others. It really all begins with a shift in mindset: simply to one of service and contribution to others which can be much easier said than done. This is especially difficult to do when someone feels a low sense of self worth, which is what is driving them to seek validation in the first place.
If someone feels unworthy, not only will they not see their own value and how they can help others, but they'll also be looking for short term solutions to escape the underlying negative feeling of shame and unworthiness which causes their mind to filter their reality and search for anything as a means of validation. We filter reality through the lens of our unmet needs, and so a person feeling unworthy will see everything as an opportunity to gain validation.
This combination of low self worth, not seeing our own value and chasing short term solutions keeps a person stuck repeating those unfulfilling disempowering habits. If you know me and my work you'll know that I do not believe in quick fixes, tricks, or bio hacks, I believe in what's true, fundamental and timeless. If we want to change our lives, we have to change ourselves at the deepest and most fundamental level - the end result is a person that knows their inherent worth regardless of their past or present circumstances.
To attain true self worth allows us to no longer seek validation to affirm our identity, or to affirm our worthiness, and it sets us free to follow a path that inspires us. Until we have true self worth, our mind will always be clouded by our missing need or validation. True self worth leads to authenticity which is found only through the process of self exploration and greater levels of awareness. You being here reading this is the beginning of that process.
Once we are aware of the patterns and the strategies we are using to gain validation, we can recognise them coming and then consciously choose a different pathway forwards. Something more inspiring and meaningful, based around contribution to others. When we do this enough times - which will feel unfamiliar at first - we will begin to break the old pattern and rebuild the new pattern.
Awareness is key, followed by intention and presence. These are the fundamental pillars needed to change our lives. When we are aware of the patterns they then no longer unconsciously control us, and then when we're clear with our intention to change, to create a new pattern based on service, and when we remain present with and true to that intention, it is only a matter of time before our reality changes at the deepest level.
"Awareness is the key, followed by intention and presence"
It is through this process that we unlock the Cardinal Trait of Nobility, a key part of becoming more authentic, intrinsically driven and inspired. During my own pathway in overcoming external validation, I sat in meditation and felt the pain of invalidation to such a degree that I became ok with being a nobody. I accepted it totally and completely, and then the pain of invalidation no longer had a grip on me and no longer drove me to seek validation.
NOTE: If you know my work you will recognise the image above, and if you want to dive deeper into my work then I recommend you go through my free online course Discover Your Authentic Self which explains how our thoughts and feelings create our patterns and our life.
This is how I healed the wounds that we're driving me which then lifted the veil and created clarity for my pathway forward. I would also meditate in the morning and evening, to keep myself conscious so that throughout the day I wasn't blindsided by an emotional wound that dragged me back into those old patterns.
It was through this process that I was able to gradually overcome the need for external validation and set myself free to serve others from a more pure and genuine place within myself.
Live Inspired,
John
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