If you’re tired of relationships that don’t work out or you’re wondering if you’re in the right relationship then this video is just what you need…
Relationships are so important for our fulfilment and our personal excellence yet more often than not they don’t work out…
That’s not me being negative, that's just the truth and it’s also not a bad thing…
In this video I want to give a few key things to look for so that you have a new and more empowering lens to assess and understand compatibility, but before we dive in I just want to state the obvious…
The first thing you need to know is who you are and where you are headed within your own life because once you know that then you’ll know who the most complimentary person would be…
If you don’t know who you are or where you’re headed then how do you know who would be the best match or most compatible… That’s the difference between starting a jigsaw puzzle when the whole thing is chaos and finishing the jigsaw puzzle when you simply have to slot in the last bit that fits…
You need to know who you are and what you want in life so you can find the bit that fits or is the most compatible for you…
If you’re a bit lost to who you are and where you’re headed then go through my free course called Discover Your Authentic Self where you’ll use one of my tools for understanding yourself and your direction, I’ll pop the link below.
If you’re unclear on who you are or where you’re headed then your intimate relationships will highlight that.
If you date or are with someone that is less compatible then you will clash, you’ll either find yourself resenting them or become sad and depressed, or both, and then eventually you’ll become physically unwell.
Our relationships are the best teachers when it comes to re-aligning with our authentic self and following the path that truly matters most to us as an individual.
Relationships that fail are not bad things, in fact if you know my story you’ll know that it was a series of devastating relationships that made me reevaluate my life, who I was and what I truly wanted.
I’ve been infatuated with women and had my heart broken, I’ve entered relationships looking to be saved, I’ve experienced narcissistic abuse, I’ve felt extreme shame and had huge insecurities, and I’m now grateful for all of those experiences because they gave me the wisdom I have today.
I won’t say that the wrong partner will bring the worst out of you, but what I will say is that the right partner will bring the best out of you…
When it comes to compatibility there are three things I want to talk to you about…
How Opposites Attract
The Importance of Values
Levels of Consciousness & Emotional Needs
After we’ve touched on those things you’ll have a deeper understanding of the dynamics that are playing out within your relationships and how to find someone that matches everything that you are…
How Opposites Attract
I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that opposites attract, which is true but what does it really mean? Going beyond physical attraction there is energetic attraction and mental attraction which I want to touch on in greater detail.
Energetic attraction is known as chemistry or sexual energy which we have all experienced before. It occurs primarily between masculine and feminine energies regardless of gender. For example I’ve attracted more masculine and dominant women in the past so even though they were women, they had more masculine energy.
Obviously nature wants the strongest species to survive and so we have inside of us a pre-programmed magnetic attraction and desire to have sex and reproduce.
Masculinity and femininity are the two core traits that drive polarity and attraction, and then within masculinity and within femininity they also have their own traits.
For example; some traits of masculinity are left brain, logic and order and some traits of femininity are right brain, emotion and chaos.
Logic and emotion as well as order and chaos are complementary opposites and so they will naturally be attracted to one another to create wholeness. This happens automatically, it is unconscious.
Mental attraction occurs when you perceive that someone elses strengths will support or compliment your values and direction in life. You will be mentally attracted to someone that has the ability to support your values in the areas that you are weak.
For example; if you love expensive things you’ll be attracted to someone that supports your ability to have expensive things. Or if you crave intimacy you’ll be attracted to someone that allows you to experience intimacy.
Remember that we are talking about attraction here, we are not talking about compatibility yet.
Attraction and compatibility are two very different things and of course it is attraction that opens the door to the possibility for compatibility.
However, because opposites attract we can become attracted and infatuated with people that we are not compatible with. Sometimes that infatuation feels like love, but really it is just a chemical cocktail of neurotransmitters built for making babies and not sustainability.
At the level of the animal, humans are not built for sustainability, humans are built for reproduction. That is why opposites attract, to have babies and create a more whole offspring.
Sustainability is a different game, it is more about similarities.
This is where the problems can occur, because it is differences that cause attraction and similarities that cause sustainability.
Compatibility is a combination of both attraction (differences) and sustainability (similarities).
“Differences create passion, similarities create love”
- John Templeton
We’ve talked about attractions and differences so now let’s now talk about sustainability and similarities.
The Importance of Values
Values are the things we believe are important to live a life that we love.
Values dictate our decisions and our decisions dictate our direction and destiny in life.
Imagine two horses pulling in the same direction, it becomes extremely powerful. If we have similar values to the person we’re with then we’re going to be pulling in the same direction.
Imagine two horses pulling in even slightly different directions, there will be friction and then eventually either something will break or the wear and tear will just grind each other down to nothing.
Similar values will make a relationship far more connected.
For example; if two people value training at the gym then that is an activity they can do together. If both people value dancing then they can do that together. If both people value a certain type of nutrition then they can do that together.
It’s this togetherness that creates a low friction and sustainable relationship.
Imagine if one person valued training and the other valued long walks, one valued dancing and the other valued working, one valued vegan and the other valued carnivore. If you attempted to spend time together the relationship would just be a string of clashes, if you spend too much time apart then the relationship serves very little purpose.
When it comes to relationships, we bring another person in because we perceive that they are going to add value to our lives. If we didn’t believe that then we wouldn’t want to enter a relationship in the first place.
Said differently, we bring someone into our lives because we believe they are going to help move us forwards in life, and vice versa, someone else will bring you into their life because they think you will add value to them and support their life in moving forwards.
Moving forwards in life can only happen relative to a person's values which means that everyone has a different idea of what moving forwards is.
Some people might value building and growing a business and their version of moving forward might be financial growth. Another person might value adventure and see traveling through 50 different countries as moving forwards.
These people could be attracted to each other but the likelihood of them staying together is low because of such a vast difference in values.
The way this could have potential is if the person wanted to build the business wanted to build an online business as they also highly valued freedom and adventure.
“Opposites may attract, but complementary opposites stay together” - John Templeton
Values don’t have to be the same, similar is good, but what’s most important is if they complement one another.
If a man loves working and wants a family, and a woman loves raising children and looking after the house then they are complementary opposites, they both get to do what they love whilst moving towards what they want, in this case a family.
If the values are not similar and do not compliment one another then it will be tough as there will be so much friction. If the couple did stay together one person would end up sacrificing their own values, becoming unhappy and resenting the other person.
Having similar values means you'll be heading in the same direction, having complimentary values means people will organically support one another.
Levels of Consciousness & Emotional Needs
The last thing I want to talk about is levels of consciousness and emotional needs.
Everyone has deep needs and when those needs are not met people become emotional, and when people become emotional they act out of alignment with their best self.
The right partner for you will make you feel like your best self because they are open to meeting your emotional needs.
When someone has their needs met they feel safe, worthy, stimulated and connected, they feel inspired to be their best self, but when those needs are not met people will feel insecure, unworthy, unstimulated and disconnected.
Being aware of these needs and emotions is a key part of sustainability within a relationship and so finding someone with the same level of consciousness or emotional awareness is an important thing to look for when it comes to compatibility.
If one person is aware of their needs and emotions about the other is completely unaware then the relationship is going to turn into chaos because neither people will get their needs met.
The person that is aware of their needs and emotions will always be catering to the less conscious one and eventually get tired of essentially being a parent in the relationship.
The person that is unaware of their needs and emotions will not be in control of their behavioral patterns which will frustrate the other person.
The gap in consciousness means that one person will never really have their needs entirely met within the relationship which then means they will either become more emotional (and lower their consciousness) or have to go outside of the relationship to get their needs met.
Our lives are a reflection of our emotions. A relationship's life is a reflection of the emotional state of both people. If someone isn’t pulling their weight emotionally the relationship is jepordised.
When someone meets your needs you will be at your best, but someone must have the same or similar level of consciousness if that is to ever happen.
To summarise this whole article I would say that compatibility is about being complementary opposites.
You are opposite so you attract and have chemistry, but then you compliment one another by supporting each other's values and meeting each other's needs.
When this happens there is both love and passion.
Because relationships happen in phases it is important to keep an eye out for signs early in the dating phases if you think this person has compatibility with you.
Do NOT, and I repeat do NOT send them a survey to fill out or ask them overly direct questions at the start., simply have fun with the initial stages of dating and getting to know someone.
Take notice of things and see if there is potential compatibility…
What are this person's values? Do they align or conflict with mine?
Is this person self aware? Do they know who they truly are and what they want?
Is this person well balanced emotionally? If they aren't, are they aware that they aren’t? Are they doing something about it?
Are they at peace with their past or does it still control them?
Are they present with you or are they simply trying to get something out of you to meet their needs?
Could I support this person's dreams without it conflicting with mine?
Would this person support my dreams?
As you get to know them, see if you can gain some clarity to these questions without being needy or obvious, simply enjoy the process.
If you are the needy, unbalanced or emotional one then obviously you need to do some healing work. Entering a relationship wanting to be saved is an unhealthy decision.
PS: If you want to learn how to set healthy boundaries in a relationship without putting up walls I recently wrote another article which I’ll put the link below here.
Remember, no relationship lasts forever and no relationship is perfect.
The best thing you can do is love someone unconditionally and then explore whether or not there is compatibility.
Carrying prior judgement into new relationships is unwise, stay open to what comes in without letting your mind or emotions run you.
Remember that everyone has insecurities so it’s always going to be a bit of a dance to get to know someone at the start. Give things a chance and move slowly, if things feel right keep getting closer, if things feel wrong then maybe it’s not the one for you.
The best relationships will bring the best out of you so you’ll know because you’ll feel like you can be your true self without needing to put on a mask.
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BIO & SOCIAL MEDIA
John is an Author, Teacher and Speaker.
He is a Guinness World Record Holder, ex Special Forces Trainer, National Bodybuilding Champion that has spoken at events alongside people like Tony Robbins, Dr John Demartini, Dr Deepak Chopra and Les Brown.
His podcast ‘Inspiring Perceptions’ is for people that wish to master their life through practical psychology and self development.