Two questions…
Have you ever been so lost or confused in life that you just wanted someone to give you clarity, help you make a decision or give you direction on what you should do next?
Have you ever lacked motivation because the work you were doing wasn’t meaningful or inspiring?
In this article I’m going to share with you four core things…
My journey to finding clarity and purpose in life
What blocked me from following my purpose sooner
Some insights into motivation and what true purpose is
The process you need to go through to discover your purpose
“The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.”
- Mark Twain
During the depths of my life crisis I was so lost and confused.
I wasted a lot of money paying people to give me some clues to my direction and purpose in life but every bit of advice I received conflicted with one another or just didn’t feel right.
I got to the point where I was asking some really deep questions…
What is the meaning of life? What is the purpose of my life?
You’re born, you live, then you die and time continues without you as if you were never born in the first place. Plus life itself is just a series of events, a series of problems that need solving that takes you on a monotonous journey of highs and lows.
You achieve or experience something and you feel good, then you get over it and you’re onto the next thing.
Problem, solution, problem, solution, pain, remedy, pain, remedy… All for what? To eventually die…? And if I did die it doesn’t really matter, time keeps going, humanity keeps going, life keeps going…
These thoughts kept me in a state of apathy. I didn’t see the point of being alive let alone getting out of bed.
My motivation dropped to zero, there was no reason for me to get up.
Nobody needed me or depended on me, the world would go on without me, there was no need for me to be alive.
I had no purpose…
I had no direction…
My motivation had completely gone…
Now… Let me ask you a question…
Do you listen to music to enjoy the song or get to the end?
Let this article be a form of music, do not rush to the end but instead enjoy the reading. I'm asking you to do this now but it will make more sense when you finish the article.
“Your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it” - Buddha
Now, everybody is motivated by something.
For me in the past I was motivated to win at sporting competitions, that is what got me out of bed each day, I had to win and be the best.
As an athlete I would dream about training, I would plan my sessions, I would live and breathe training.
As a soldier my mind was consumed with soldiering, shooting, navigation, first aid and fighting, I would read magazines and about war, I was consumed by it.
Everything I did I did to be the absolute best.
When I was in the army I was top student with honours on my Physical Training Instructor course and thought to myself that this was just more proof of how fucking awesome I was.
I was so motivated to be the best I could be but then after repeatedly achieving physical success I realised that it was just a never ending cycle.
I topped my navigation course and remembered thinking, how many times do I have to keep proving myself.
Curiosity led me to question why I needed to be the best, why I needed to win, why I needed to have a perfect body. Why did I need any of those things?
I asked myself, what do those things really give me? What do I get from having a great body, winning a sporting competition and topping a course?
The answer always ended up the same; validation.
Those things served to validate me as a person, they served to prove that I was good enough, or that I was special, unique and important.
When I completed the Guinness World Record in 2017 I had a lot of love from friends and on social media but after a few weeks passed I felt deflated.
That was the first time that external validation hadn’t boosted my ego and kept me going, searching for the next thing to win at and get another hit of pride and success.
I realised that everything I had done in the past was just me seeking validation and approval.
Even the success I had experienced as a coach was because of my drive to win and be the best, because if I was the best then I was validated, I was worthy and I was good enough.
Once I’d really recognised the pattern it lost its power.
So I was now at the point where I didn’t care about validation, I could see it a mile away and wanted no part in the repetitive unfulfilling journey of gaining external validation.
Because of this I had no motivation at all.
Validation was my fuel to chase dreams, it was my reason for getting out of bed in the mornings, but once I realised the never ending unfulfilling pathway it leads you down it was a fuel source that I no longer wanted to use.
So I had no fuel and fell into a state of apathy.
The 3 Levels of Motive
I scoured books, courses and the internet for answers to my lack of motivation and started piecing together all of the little bits of information I could find to better understand what was going on and what I needed to do to regain my motivation.
At the core of it all, everyone is motivated by either pain or pleasure.
We move away from what’s painful and move towards what’s pleasurable.
The same way you can get a donkey to walk by either hitting it with a stick or dangling a carrot in front of its face.
I didn’t know this at the time, but what was driving my need for validation was an unconscious feeling of invalidation.
I didn’t feel enough as I was and so I sought success in order to prove I was enough.
This is how all human motivation works.
There is something negative or painful inside of us and then we seek to remedy the pain by attaining something positive or pleasurable.
Most people are unconscious to what drives them. If you asked them if deep shame or unworthiness was driving them they would say no, but it is, at the core it is what drives absolutely everyone until they become integrated, the feeling that they are not good enough as they are.
I was blind to this for the first 36 years of my life and undoubtedly there are still patterns of behaviour that are unconsciously motivated by this.
Most people think they know why they are doing things but they don’t really know as there are layers upon layers that will become more evident as we go through this article.
I asked a female client last week why they spend so much on their appearance and their reply was that because they enjoyed looking good. I asked why looking good made them feel good and they said “it just does”.
But that’s not an answer, that’s avoiding a deeper answer which is that deep down you feel you need to be someone other than you are.
This is true for all motivation.
Either we have to be different, look different, feel different, have different things because we are not happy as we are.
But that’s not a bad thing, in fact it’s how humans are built. We survive and make progress by wanting to be, do or have something other than what we already have.
There is no motive without emotion, that’s what emotion means, it is energy for motion.
This is human motivation and these are what I call the first two levels of motive.
Desperation - The avoidance of pain.
Motivation - The seeking of pleasure.
I started to realise that there were times I was driven out of desperation.
For example I felt like I had to make money and when my money dropped I acted out of desperation.
Then there were times when money was present and that freed up energy to be driven forward by motivation.
For example I wanted to go to the gym and train.
There was a different energy coming from both scenarios.
One was me moving away from pain which was desperation, and the other was me moving towards pleasure which was motivation.
Because I was tired of chasing validation through never ending endeavors and I was getting burned out, I just lied in bed until desperation kicked in and I had to do something about it.
For most people desperation isn’t a pleasant experience although it can be very necessary and useful sometimes.
For me not only was desperation painful but motivation had also become painful because it kept leading me on this quest for external validation.
Desperation induces stress, and motivation leads to a lack of sustainable fulfilment because once you attain what you want the joy it brings doesn’t last long before you want more or something new.
In other words, a new type of pain becomes evident in your life and so you seek a new pleasure to fill up your cup again.
Let me give you some examples;
If you feel like you don’t have enough money you will seek more money, then your lifestyle desires increase and again you don’t have enough money so you seek more money.
There seems to be no end to this cycle, and so people go their entire lives trying to attain more in order to have enough.
This is true for money, status, love, success, power…
Motivation & Human Needs
Most people have heard of Abraham Maslow, the American psychologist that first introduced the famous Hierarchy of Needs.
Maslow theorised that all humans have 5 innate needs that must be achieved in order to reach their full potential.
By achieving those needs they could then transcend to the next tier and eventually experience their peak human potential.
The needs were…
Physiological Needs - Breathing, hydrating, eating
Safety and Security Needs - Health, home, employment, family
Love & Belonging Needs - Intimacy, connection, friendship
Self Esteem Needs - Uniqueness, validation, achievement
Self Actualisation - Creativity, inner potential, purpose
His work provided a sort of ladder that you have to climb in order to experience your full potential and as you just saw gain insight into your purpose.
After researching Maslow’s work I read the work of Maxwell Maltz, a plastic surgeon that noticed how people's self image was the dictating factor in how successful someone would be in their life.
He then became a self help author and his book Psycho-Cybernetics also suggested that all humans have innate needs that they are constantly seeking, but he didn’t place them in a hierarchy, they were just general needs that humans seek.
Let’s be honest, all humans are seeking something, everyone is always busy, always trying to go somewhere or get something, and if they’re not seeking things to keep them busy they are seeking space away from the busyness, but either way they are seeking.
This seeking is a blessing and a curse.
It provides fuel for people to keep going, to keep surviving, to keep growing and improving but it also leads them on a never ending quest of temporary happiness.
They may get moments of fulfilment but they are there one moment and gone the next.
Some people seek wealth, then when they get it they realise that it still didn’t make them feel any better.
I have a close friend that is making on average $200,000 a month. He recently traveled through Europe and Asia with his family and told me that he just wanted to come home even though he had another 3 months of travel ahead of him, he said in his own words “more money, more problems”.
I have another friend that’s worth about $50,000,000 who is overweight and has had his fair share of serious health issues.
Some people seek love in a relationship, then when they attain it they realise they have equally as many problems as they did when they were single.
We’re always looking for something outside of us to fill us up.
Some people seek a perfect looking body and receive a lot of praise but the compliments only have a temporary effect before more are needed.
This is also what drives obsessions and addictions but that’s a story for another day.
There are four primary positive feelings that people seek, and when you look closely at all of your behaviour you will see that these four core needs are what is driving almost every single action in your life.
The Four Core Needs (C.V.C.V)
Certainty - This includes control, safety and security.
Variety - This includes stimulation, novelty and excitement.
Connection - This includes acceptance, intimacy and closeness.
Validation - This includes significance, uniqueness and importance.
The method or vehicle we use to meet our needs is often referred to as a value.
For example, the reason people seek or value money isn’t because they want a bank account full of money, they want the feeling money brings them.
For some people it will be a feeling of certainty (financial security), for others it might be validation (buy luxury things), for some it might be variety (can afford to go on trips and have new toys), or it can be a combination of all needs to varying degrees.
If something meets all of your needs you’re going to keep it in your life, it will be a high value for you and you will more than likely become attached or addicted to having it.
The same with the seeking or valuing of relationships. Some are looking for certainty (safety and security), some are looking for connection (intimacy), others want validation by attracting a high value partner. If you get all of those things you’ll form a person you’ll then gain an attachment to them.
Why do people value socialising? To meet their needs.
Why do people value reading books? To meet their needs.
Why do people value fighting? To meet their needs.
Why do people value training at the gym? To meet their needs.
Why do people value having children? To meet their needs.
“Every single action or behaviour is simply a strategy to meet a need” - John Templeton
This is how human motivation works…
But there is a higher form of motive that provides superior benefits, it’s a more spiritual type of motive…
The 3rd Level of Motive
The problem with both desperation and motivation is that you must always experience some kind of pain in order to motivate you towards pleasure, so nothing seems to be able to sustain long term fulfilment.
That pain could be current pain, happening right now and you are consciously aware of it like a deadline at work with a consequence of reprimand if things aren't achieved which drives you to work harder.
Or it is forgotten pain, something that happened in the past that you are no longer consciously aware of like one of your parents ignoring you or favoring another sibling which drives you to consistently be trying to prove yourself.
When you search for the pain that is driving your motivation you will find it.
After losing validation as a motivational force I was empty and had nothing to strive for, I’d reached a point of indifference in my life where nothing phased me, I was kind of numb to everything.
I knew deep down that I wanted to live for something, to have a purpose, but these four core needs no longer appealed to me as a form of fuel for my life.
I was no longer attached to traveling the world (variety)...
I was no longer attached to the idea of being famous (validation)...
I was longer attached to having a ton of money (certainty)...
I was no longer attached to certain friends in my life (connection)...
Every now and then they would get triggered into action and I would seek validation through social media or certainty through money but it really had no sustainable pull for me to pursue things the way I used to.
People talked about purpose being the ultimate motivator, and I understood the concept, however on reflection I was really only driven by avoiding pain and seeking pleasure.
I thought I knew my purpose, I had built my vision board and I did my affirmations to get me pumped up for chasing my dreams.
But inside there was just no drive, there was no fuel to go forward and achieve my dreams. I had dreams but I didn’t really care if they manifested or not.
I felt like something was wrong with me…
Was this really my purpose or was I creating something so pleasurable that I called it my purpose? Helping thousands of people as a coach, big house on the water, passive income, lots of travel…
It looked like a standard vision board but to be honest it didn’t really light me up…
Really this vision board was a giant carrot dangled in front of me, something that would bring me pleasure in the future, but it was no different to chasing validation.
When you are on a mission to meet your needs you are operating from the pleasure and pain dynamic but it’s not sustainable and it’s unfulfilling.
When you are striving to meet your needs you can become very successful but you will not be fulfilled, you can become very safe but you’ll be stuck in your own prison, you can become very rich but you will never be abundant, you may become very powerful but you’ll never be an inspiring leader.
When you are striving to meet your needs you will be disempowered in life because you are essentially chasing something outside of yourself and unknowingly controlled by the external world.
If I get this thing in the future, then I’ll be happy.
I call this if/then living…
If I make money, then I’ll be good enough…
If I find love, then I’ll be happy
This is how 99% of people are motivated and go about their lives…
If I go to work, then I can pay the bills, if I pay the bills then I’ll feel relieved…
Empowered people on the flipside are not controlled by the fulfilment of needs by the outside world, they are guided by something different that lies within the internal world.
When I say the internal world I don’t mean their mind or emotions as the mind and emotions are only ever trying to meet unmet needs.
For example;
If you feel scared you will seek safety
If you feel lonely you will seek connection
If you feel bored you will seek stimulation
If you feel unworthy you will seek validation
The mind and emotions are what keep us trapped in the unfulfilling pursuits in our lives.
So when I say the internal world is what guides empowered people I mean something greater, something you can’t see, touch or even really explain, something ineffable.
To best describe this indescribable force that moves someone from within I’m going to use the word inspiration.
The word inspiration stems from the latin word ‘in-spirare’ which means “to breathe life into or to breathe spirit into”.
This makes Inspiration the third level of motive.
Desperation is the avoidance of pain.
Motivation is the seeking of pleasure.
Inspiration is the following of a greater purpose.
Inspiration can only be attained when the avoidance of pain and the pursuit of pleasure has ceased.
This is why the final hurdle for people to experience deeper meaning in life is boredom.
When the majority of someone's needs are met they become bored, but people hate being bored so they find ways to keep themselves entertained, they always seek variety and some kind of stimulation.
Once someone has allowed themselves to become bored and ceased their quest for meeting their needs through an if/then format, the paradigm of motive begins to transform.
I asked you a question earlier…
Do you listen to music to enjoy the song or get to the end?
This is what inspiration is, it is when you do something because you love doing it, not because of the result it gets you at the end.
Instead of if/then living it’s more like as/then living.
As I do this, I am happy.
The chasing ceases, the energy is different and the language you use is different…
Desperation is frantic… I need to do this, I have to do this….
Motivation is exciting… I should do this, I want to do this…
Inspiration is calm… I enjoy doing this, I love doing this…
Someone driven by inspiration wants the process to last forever, someone driven by the desperation/motivation dynamic wants to get to the end result.
Have you ever done something, been caught in the moment and completely lost track of time?
The reason is because you are doing something that you love and so the past and future disappear, there is no future destination to get to because you are so immersed in the moment.
Have you ever done something and time appeared to go abnormally slow.
That is the result of doing something you don’t enjoy.
When you’re inspired you do it because you love it AND all of your needs get met as a byproduct.
Take note of this:
Your purpose is simply the thing you’re doing and the things you’re chasing to make your life better regardless of your motivational force.
Some people will be using desperation as a fuel source.
Some people will be using motivation as a fuel source.
Some people will be using inspiration as a fuel source.
All of them fuel your purpose, but the highest level of motive which is inspiration has a totally different dynamic because it is no longer about filling a void inside, it is about genuinely doing what you love and contributing to others.
Also take note of this:
Your highest purpose is the activity that you love doing that meets all of your needs as a byproduct. If you don’t love doing it but it meets your needs then it is simply a stepping stone towards a higher level of purpose.
You can also have a mixture of everything working together, you can have an activity that you love doing but also really appreciate the result it gets, so you’re inspired and motivated simultaneously.
I was like this as an athlete, I loved training, and I also loved the validation that came with it. When I stopped getting the validation a small part of me stopped wanting to train.
You can also have an activity you love where you are driven by inspiration, but then sometimes motivation comes online and sometimes even desperation.
Use the source of fuel that is available to you at the time but take note of the finer details of what puts you into a state of desperation or motivation and see if you can shift aspects of your life or your mindset so that you can spend more time doing what inspires you.
I knew that seeking the external meeting of my needs no longer motivated me, and sometimes desperation would move me, but I was done with playing that game.
I started to pay attention to everything in my life that was driven by the four core needs and the more time went on the more I became aware of my patterns and the less power they had over me.
The less the external forces pulled on me the more the internal forces came to life.
When you are in a state of indifference it’s like you don’t care about anything, it’s essentially giving up on all options and letting go of what you thought you wanted to make you happy.
This was the boredom I talked about earlier.
And this is where the magic happens.
When you are on a mission to meet your needs there is no room for magic in your life because you are trying to control everything.
When you are no longer attached to things being a certain way you receive everything you ever wanted.
I want to finish this article with some steps you can take to uncover your true purpose.
Steps to Finding Purpose
To summarise two key points before we talk about finding purpose…
Your highest purpose is the activity you love doing that meets all of your needs as a byproduct.
When you are chasing your needs you will never understand your true purpose because you are “if/then” living and being run by the desperation/motivation dynamic.
There is a well known Japanese framework called Ikigai that has 4 core areas that lead to one's purpose.
This involves reflecting on:
Your Values - What you love.
Your Strengths - What you’re good at.
Your Skills - What you could be paid for.
Your Contribution - What the world needs.
This is a fantastic foundational tool for anyone that wants to explore their purpose in greater detail.
However I found a problem with this model though because a lot of people don’t know their highest values and don’t know how to take all of this information and turn it into a true life mission.
That’s why I created the 6S Purpose Model.
1. Search for Soul - This part involves two mini parts, the past and the future. What has lit your Soul up in the past, and what is your Soul called towards in the future.
The Past - List some events from your life where you have lost track of time or experienced any of the Transcendental Feelings but do not count universal things like falling in love, taking drugs, intense sexual pleasure, having a child or being in nature as these are not unique to you.
The Future - List some things that have captured your curiosity. What are you curious about? What could you spend time doing or learning about that would be enjoyable for you to learn about? Not to escape pain (means to an end) but because it would genuinely be enjoyable to learn about. What situations or experiences are you drawn towards that would bring you the next level of fulfilment? What are your heart's desires? What would you or do you love to do?
2. Search for Specifics - Ask yourself, what is it about this experience that you actually love? Why do you love it? Think deeply, what is it that you specifically enjoy about this experience? There is going to be a specific detail and a specific sensation that you get. We are looking for the smallest of details, what is it you actually get excited by at the deepest level?
3. Search for Similarities - The next step is to search for similarities or patterns that keep popping up across multiple events from your list. The patterns can be anything, from feelings and sensations you're feeling, to scenarios or situations, to behaviours or actions you're taking, thought's you're having or the actual experience within itself. You are looking at the specifics and finding the commonalities within the specifics.
4. Search for Strengths - Your natural strengths will usually be aligned and support your life's Purpose. What are your top 5 strengths? There are personality traits, attributes and characteristics.
5. Search for Skills - Skills are learned patterns of thinking and behaviour that are highly specific to a certain field. Skills are not personal characteristics, attributes or traits. Some examples of skills are public speaking, mathematics, weightlifting, massaging, off-road motorcycle riding, chiropractic, gymnastics, accounting, drawing, surfing, golf, breakdancing etc…
6. Search for Sectors - There are so many areas of life that your purpose could fall within and this step will help you get more clear on the finer details of your purpose. Write down some potential working sectors that you feel aligned with or called to where your strengths and skills are needed to solve current problems.
Once you have gone through these 6 steps you can start thinking about ways in which your unique answers can manifest into a purposeful career or mission.
PS: If you want a complete downloadable workbook and me to help you go through this process I have an online course called Path to Purpose which you can read more about through this link: https://shorturl.at/itLP4
To be honest I think everyone knows deep down what their purpose is, but it’s just temporarily blocked from time to time as our focus is stolen by shorter term tasks and meeting our immediate needs.
Then we get caught up in life and never really stop until something happens that stops us and makes us question everything.
If you’re here reading this then I’m guessing you’re asking those questions?
I believe that when we commit ourselves to our purpose everything else falls into place. We get the success we’ve wanted, we get the fulfilment we’ve wanted, our nervous system is calm so we access our creativity and vitality.
It’s just our fears that stop us acting sooner.
I hope this article has shed some light on the different forms of motive, what purpose is and where it fits in, as well as what stops you from living a purposeful life and how to go about finding your purpose.
Become More, Live More, Give More.
John
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PATH TO PURPOSE
Path to Purpose Program: Imagine waking up every day brimming with inspiration and vitality, knowing you're about to pour your heart and soul into doing what you love.
Well that's what a life of purpose feels like and it's available to everyone.
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